A Child's Understanding of Open Adoption by Terri Rimmer - originally published on Associated Content

Open Adoption offers an opportunity for the child to build his understanding of adoption having his adoptive and birthparents as resources, according to Patricia Martinez Dorner of Adoption Counseling and Search.

"During infancy, the child can be surrounded by family members from both families, acquiring a pre-verbal familiarity which will serve him well as his comprehension increases in complexity," said Dorner. "The preschool years typically bring questions regarding whether the child was born in his mother's womb."

Dorner presented her findings at the Open Adoption Conference for Familes & Professionals in Colorado in 1998. She said that the school age years involve more complex thinking and more complex questions.

"Identity issues have a central focus during the teen years," she stated. "During each developmental stage, open adoption offers avenues for building understanding."

Regarding birth moms, one former houseparent who worked at a maternity home says that that the Post Adoption Department at the facility should be up front with the birth mothers always.

"Rather than take matters into their own hands, the people in Post Adoption should contact the birth moms and talk over any 'offending' mail and give the birth moms the option of changing the 'offending' thing," she said. "If the birth mom doesn't want to change the 'offending' item, then send it to the adoptive parents and let them figure out what they do or don't want their child to know/see."

The former houseparent said she knows that the Post Adoption Department at the home where she used to work is doing their job but that the adoptive parents and child get a "forever home" and birth moms get a "forever wound."

"Somehow, some way there needs to be arbitration in matters like this," she stated. "Adoption is a very complicated matter, and when it's not a closed one, the complications can become even more overwhelming."

The former houseparent explained that her heart goes out to all birth moms.

"They are courageous beyond words," she wrote. "I have nothing but the utmost respect and honor for birth moms. They love their children no less than the adoptive parents love their children."

The former houseparent writes that she can see the maternity home's point of view: protecting the adoptive parents' privacy.

"This is going to sound cold but it is a fact. Adoption is a business," she said. "And the maternity home (that I worked for) is dedicated to protecting their clients. So the big question is: How do you keep both parties satisfied? It's a delicate balance, to say the least."

The former houseparent told one birth mom that she dreams of girls at the maternity home where she worked at least two or three times a month and it had been six-and-a-half years since she worked there.

"These aren't even girls I know. These are girls I've never seen or known but my heart and brain still think of them so much that I'm still trying to help in my sleep," she said. "I still stand by my view that the hardest part of being a houseparent was not being able to help the pain that the birth moms carry in their heart."

The former houseparent said she knows there are so many wonderful aspects about adoption but that the negative ones are no less real.

"Birth moms need help in dealing with these problems when they arise," she revealed. "And they need to be able to trust those who are supposed to be a source of support to them. Good communication and honesty from both parties (the maternity home where I worked versus birth moms) is the only answer I can see. It is a possibility if you can get your voice to be heard."